Archive for November, 2010

The subject is not new; the solutions are known to many; rather, this is cliché. Many guys of my age, including me and my friends have gone through this stage; many are still going through this, some in the brim of perishing their own self; that is why I thought of jotting this down, based on the issues I handled, from the HR angle. 

Scope of this article:
This article is for all who face love failure now and are undergoing related ‘trauma’ associated with this. This is also for those who genuinely want to help such friends. 
Majority of girls and boys would have faced stress arising out of this particular situation. The underlying funda here is that ‘Time heals all wounds’. The question in front of us is how to reduce the time span for this and effectively fill in this period.
Whoever had undergone/ going through this situation perceive it as real trauma; arising out of rejection, dejection, feeling of breach of trust, newly developed inferiority complex, ‘new philosophy’ on meaninglessness of life etc. There can be one more feeling- “I’m not going to get a better partner than this…”
Many such cases had led to depression, other psychic problems and even to suicide.
Coping tactics:
Is it really traumatic? Isn’t it? ….aahhh… ney…
I can assure that anybody who is going through such so called trauma can be brought back to normalcy. The pace of healing depends up on various factors such as the locus of control of the person, his value systems, his family background and in many case availability of a good friend. The stages involved in this process are:
1.                  Accepting the reality
2.                  Dissociation from the subject
3.                  Regaining the power of Self
4.                  Recovery

The road doesn’t end here
1.                  Accepting the reality:
The first step for recovery is accepting the reality. And that is the most difficult of all the steps. Till such time we accept the reality, we would be in the unrealistic world which for some times soothes the trauma. Prolonged stay in this condition is perilous, which not only hinders the pace of recovery, but also may dangerously deflect us away from the path towards recovery. You can cry in solitude, as much as you want, as loud as you want. Tell your mind that the relationship ended, it is irreversible and I accept it. Reinforce the same.
Believe me, the moment you accept the fact, you are going to embrace the goal, which is the recovery, the journey to you, a stronger you, a better balanced you.
2.                  Dissociation from the subject:
The second step (and in many cases may be to a limited extent in the first step as well) may require a good friend for faster better results, who will put us back in the path to recovery whenever deviations take place. If nobody is there as friend who can do this, then we ourselves will have to do this.
Underlying principles in this sage are as follows:
1.                  Somebody for whom we are optional cannot be indispensable for us (don’t remember the exact quote; however, thanks to the author)
2.                  Belief in you
3.                  Developing a feeling of indifference towards the subject
The feeling of indifference is completely different from love or hate. I’m not asking you to start hating the subject. Indifference is a beautiful state of neither love, nor hate. You will develop the feeling what you have towards me, a co-traveller in a local train, a beggar or a sales representative, towards the subject as well.
In simple words, check whether your mind is convinced, whether your mind is in a position to accept this idea of indifference; if yes, reinforce the same.
Destroying memorabilia of the relationship will not fully give you results (and is not a positive step as well in my opinion- you should be able to develop immunity towards it ideally) but strengthening your mind in this direction, will, of course. Try to keep away Cigarettes and Liquor as much as possible- these will weaken the areas in your brain which control emotional stability.
3.                  Regaining the power of Self:
‘Believe in you’ is the mantra here; you are second to none. You are a unique product of this nature, with some mission which is to be identified, inferred by you only, using your intellect and education/ learning. You are unique like Mahatma Gandhi/ Marx or Obama/Manmohan Singh or even Einstein/ Newton or this me; or even better than all these.
Your life is not meant to be sacrificed for such a minute issue. I remember Neil Armstrong’s statement somewhere I read which goes like this, when you look from 100 Kms above, all problems seems to be insignificant. These issues are meant to create lighter moments for us at the age of 30 or 40 or 100 when we ruminate our past; otherwise this life is going to be colourless and odourless… This is a journey to a better you.
In case if your mind is not accepting, understand that the 1st step is not taken firmly. Redo it from the beginning.  
4.                  Recovery:
Reached here? Well done. But don’t think that henceforth you need to be very cautious on this topic… if you are going to be cautious or if you try to sacrifice the charm in you which made you undergo all these, then you will loose all the fragrance of your life… go ahead. You are better you now.
Do tell me that the technique is effective, after applying it based on need. 


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Real Love

The night was calm
I heard the songs
-sung by silence.

I was calm
I sang some songs
-listened the silence.

I loved silence and
was loved by silence,
But our love was silent.

I opened the door, she came in
She opened the door, I went in
The door was that of the mind.

I found me there,
She found her here
In the midst of a falling dream.

(Poem first published in the then poetry.com during 2002 © Dinil P I)

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